


Choice

by JulesHawke



Series: N7 month [2]
Category: Mass Effect, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Character Death, Choices, Guilt, M/M, Post-Virmire, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-08-14 12:47:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16492889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JulesHawke/pseuds/JulesHawke
Summary: Shepard knew about making choices, it was part of the job. But some choices are harder than others and sometimes we deny the reasons why until it's done. Shepard has to live with his choices but he won't do it alone.





	Choice

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt at mshenko and I thought it fit here. Post Virmire where Shepard comes to realise not all his decisions are made with his head.
> 
> Prompt: Choice - from N7 month over on tumblr

It all came down to choice. Which mission to take, which team to use, which gun to carry, what armour to wear. There were the more difficult choices, who to save, to kill or not to kill. They were the choices that haunted his dreams, left him shaking in a cold sweat in the middle of the night. This one? This one would haunt him in his waking hours.

‘It’s done Commander, go get Williams.’

‘Screw that, we can handle ourselves. Go get Alenko.’

Who to save? No time to work the problem, no time to think. Save the soldier who could be an exceptional officer or save the officer who happened to be the most powerful biotic humanity had ever seen. Both more than worthy and both friends he didn’t want to lose.

‘Alenko, radio Joker and tell him to meet us at the bomb site.’

Choice made. He had no time to get both and he fought down guilt, closing his eyes for a second, drawing in a deep breath.

‘I’m sorry Ash.’

Spinning on his heel he became the commander he needed to be, clamping down on emotion, taking his anger out on the enemy. Finding Alenko huddled by the now armed bomb, injured and bleeding awoke rage.

As Saren’s hands closed around his throat he thought about all the choices he’d made to get to this point and there were many, some the wrong ones. He had lived with regret and guilt but Saren would end that with a twist of his wrist.

But then he gasped for breath as Saren fled at the sound of the timer warning. No release for him this day. Struggling to breath past his burning throat he stumbled to where Alenko lay in the water, picking him up and hoisting him over his shoulders as the Normandy swept into view.

He rushed to the bridge as Chakwas took Alenko out of his grasp. There might still be time. It was false hope and he knew it. Joker had already made the choice, knowing the safety of the ship and crew came first. He watched the cloud spread, knew the ground would be wasted, there would be nowhere to hide. But Ash deserved respect for her sacrifice. He watched until they were too far away to see.

He dropped his head and closed his eyes. Fists clenched at his side as he mourned the loss of another soldier, a teammate, a friend. He had no time to grieve though, there were missions to carry out, orders to follow.

‘I’m sorry, Commander.’ Joker’s voice subdued as he dropped his hands to his lap. 

‘Me too.’ He lay his hand on the pilot’s shoulder before turning and walking away.

He had reports to write and a letter to compose to Ashley’s family, to explain his choice. How did he tell someone he chose their daughter’s death? It wouldn’t be the first time he’d written one of those letters, but it would be the first time he had to explain his choice.

Hours later, as he sat by Kaidan’s bedside waiting for him to wake after surgery he went back over his choice. There could be no second-guessing, as much as it hurt he had made the right call. Kaidan stirred and opened his eyes, taking a moment before turning towards him.

‘Shepard.’ His voice husky from sleep stirred something deep in Shepard’s gut. ‘Ash.’

‘My choice, Kaidan,’ he watched those brown eyes search his.

He’d made the right choice, others would agree even as they mourned. But he understood in that moment he’d made the right choice for all the wrong reasons. As his heartbeat picked up its pace and his mouth went dry he accepted that.

‘I’m sorry, Shepard.’ Kaidan sighed and looked away before looking back, his eyes glistening in the dim light, holding nothing but warmth.

He knew.

It had never occurred to him that Kaidan would know because now his choice would cause guilt and regret in a man who didn’t deserve it. His heart pounded in his chest as Kaidan closed his eyes and tears ran down his cheeks. Shepard lost the control he was so good at keeping, tears escaped and he struggled to breathe.

‘Hey,’ a hand took his and pulled him up onto the bed, arms wrapped around him and held him against a solid, warm chest.

He sobbed as Kaidan brushed his hands through his hair, as they cried together. He should have walked away because now there would be no going back. This one choice would change him forever. He had to live with knowing he’d been compromised, that he’d failed to heed his training and listened to his heart.

He sat up, wiping his eyes before daring to look at the man who had caused him to react like a man rather than the controlled N7 he was supposed to be. Embarrassment brought colour to his cheeks as he pulled himself under control.

‘Sor -.’

‘Don’t.’ Kaidan stopped him. ‘You have nothing to apologise for. Nothing.’ Shepard found it disconcerting that his lapse in control along with his choice hadn’t made Kaidan hate him. ‘As much as it sucks it’s part of the job. You know that better than most.’

‘But I … .’ He trailed off as Kaidan raised an eyebrow at him and his pulse raced.

‘You made a choice, Shepard, and we both have to live with that.’ His lips pursed and he frowned, ‘I’m glad you chose me and that’s selfish I know.’

‘You were the more logical choice.’ Shepard didn’t know if he was trying to convince himself or Kaidan.

‘We both know there’s more to it,’ he lowered his eyes, examining the blanket and picking at a thread. ‘But you know what,’ he raised his eyes and there was no recrimination there. ‘Ash would understand. She was a soldier and a friend, she would yell at you for feeling guilty and wouldn’t want you to regret it. She would be the first to tell you to quit it and get on with the job.’

‘Yeah, she probably would.’ He allowed a smile to crease his lips, but it quickly faded. ‘I had no time,’ he looked around the room, struggling not to break again. ‘I wish … I wish I could have saved you both.’

‘I know, and so would Ash. And she’d be happy about the rest too,’ he lifted a hand to the back of his neck, ‘she saw it coming, told me to grab that ass before someone else did.’ His cheeks flushed and Shepard grinned.

Chakwas entered some time later to find them both with moist cheeks and red eyes but chuckling and she looked at them in surprise.

‘Shepard?’

‘Hey doc, we were just talking about Ash, remembering some of the antics she pulled, the things she said and did.’ He slid off the bed and stood up.

‘She’d like that, she’d hate to see you wallowing in grief and guilt.’ Her eyes watered but a smile creased her lips.

‘That’s what I said,’ Kaidan agreed, biting his bottom lip as it trembled.

‘Now, Shepard, if you don’t mind, I would like to check on my patient,’ she ushered him from medbay.

Shepard nodded, glanced at Kaidan, and then left them alone. As he climbed the stairs to CIC he thought about the choices he’d made today. He had been trained to make them, to deal with the outcomes and consequences of his actions. Regret would sit hard on his shoulders, guilt would pull at his mind and grief would eat at his heart for a while. But he couldn’t go back, no matter how hard he wished for it. It all came down to choices, his choices, and he would live with that. 


End file.
